When the Strong Break
by LunalitSol
Summary: pretty self explanatory. Severus finally breaks down. Who can save him now? Not Slash. At least not yet. Just friends. MaraudersEra
1. prologue

Disclaimer: If I were J.K., Harry Potter would be Severus Snape, it would be marauder era (of course),and there would be way more angst.

**WHEN THE STRONG BREAK** by LunalitSol

"They say they don't know when, but a day is gonna come. When there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun. It will just go black. It will just go back to the way it was before."

**~ Connor Oberst. **

**Prologue:**

Severus Snape hadn't broken. He hadn't fallen. He had yet to crack. But that could only last so long. And Severus Snape was just barely hanging on, clinging to the edge of the cliff with one numb, swollen, aching finger. Severus Snape was dying in the knowledge that there were hoards of people above him, all of whom were choosing to either ignore him, cast pitying looks at him, or taunt him and make his last few breaths his most miserable.

But no one reached out their hand. No one tried to help him back up. No, instead they stomped on his fingers until they broke and bled crimson tears onto the ground above. They laughed and spat insults that burned like acid in him searing through him like a finely pointed sabre.

He couldn't remember ever having been like them. Indeed, he had never been truly happy or content as those who tormented him always seemed to be. He often wondered what it was like, to not have every memory clouded with anxiety and pain and dread and fear as all of his were. He wondered what it would be like to have someone want to save him, for someone to extend a hand toward him, for no one to wish for his fall. He wondered this most as his finger began the final treacherous slip from the rock edge and his body prepared for the jarring impact he knew awaited him. But it never came. For as his fall into oblivion began, someone reached out and took his hand.


	2. Chapter 1: Shatter

A/N: I'm sooooo sorry this took so long. I don't have a computer or anything and the library computers won't let u save files or whatever so I can't upload chapters much. Good news: I've been writing out new chapters over the wait, as well as getting a better idea of where I want this story to go. I'm on my friend's laptop at the moment, which is how this chapter is managing to reach ya'll. Little warning….It's short. VERY SHORT. I'm an awful typer and this is all I have time for. Well I think that's it so…..

Disclaimer

If I owned HP, MY NAME would be on the cover, I'd be rich and actually HAVE a computer, and it would probably end up being all about Severus Snape. Not Harry Potter. He'd be minor. Okay? Okay.

When the Strong Break Chapter one:

SHATTER

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the façade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on? ...I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."

--------Elizabeth Wurtzel

He walked lethargically down the corridor, obsidian eyes swimming with the ghosts of tears he could not allow to fall. Pain radiated his being. The cruel words so often repeated to him rang through his head, hammered themselves into his very skull, and left their impossible-to-remove imprint behind in the form of two tremendous gashes in his forearms. They leaked tears of blood on the floor as he walked, too numb to notice, too tired to care. As he walked, he had visions of the "prank" which had managed to push him completely off the edge. He could see the laughter in their eyes and hear the joke in their sympathetic smiles. Lily's own cruel words reverberated in his mind. …It didn't matter though; nothing mattered anymore.

Pomfrey was the only one who knew of his habits. She was, unfortunately for her, bound to keep his secret. Confidentiality and suicide risk had long kept her from revealing information he had assured her would be his downfall. That, of course, didn't mean she hadn't tried to help him stop. What she didn't seem to realize was that he couldn't stop. He didn't _want_ to stop. The pain was the only thing that had felt good in years. The sight of his own blood dripping down his arm and pooling on his bed, or wherever he was, was the only way he knew to remind himself he was alive. Their laughter echoed in the emptiness around him, pounding on his ears. Now all he could hope was that the thing that had seemed to keep him alive (or rather, keep the despair from eating him up enough to cause his death) would now work in just the opposite. He truly wanted nothing else than death itself. The corridor spun for a moment.

Severus felt an even deeper forlornliness permeate his being, tearing at his soul, whisking away any doubt that had remained. He scowled darkly at the floor as he continued to walk, resenting it for all it was, seemingly holding him up when he felt so clearly that he was falling. Tonight he hoped the fall ended. Tonight he hoped he crashed.

Moments later, the corridor began to spin once more and Severus Snape crumpled to the cold bricks.

A/N: Hope you guys didn't think it was total trash or anything. Reviews are nice. High school makes me cry. Reviews make me grin. And be super hyper. XD Magic HP world dust to anyone who can get JK to give me Sev. It makes you think you're actually in Harry Potter. I don't need it. I'm already like that 24/7. But with Sevvie instead. XD


	3. Chapter 2: Living Hell

yeah, yeah, DISCLAIMER: I don't own harry potter and anyone who thinks I do...well, I hope they like jackets with LOTS of buckles and shiny white coats.

AN- Okay y'all hers chapter 2 for ya. I know long wait and everything and I'm sooooo sorry. I've been MIA for a long time due to multiple things. I had a death in my family, the first close, personal death I've ever experienced and it absolutely ruined me. Then there was this whole sexual harassment thing and school was killing me and yeah. I just want to say I'm sorry and I'm back now. Anyhow, this, being one of my first actual attempts to get back in the game, may not be that great. It's also short and kinda explicit. What can I say. I'm a slave to my muse and apparently this was as far as I could get. Please R&R. I need as much help as I can get. lol. And thanks to all my amazing reviewers. Y'all helped so much. On with the show.

When the Strong Break-

_Chapter 2_: **Living Hell**

"If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot."

-Korean proverb

Sirius stormed down the halls, not taking care to quiet the clatter of his shoes against the floor though it was well past curfew. He was furious, to say the 'd been forced to miss a date with Lila Nash, who was just one of the hottest girls in all of Hogwarts, and had the most perfect full breasts...He grimaced slightly. It was well known throughout the school just how much Lila loved rejecting people and that she never gave second chances. And that when she did say yes, boy did she put out...and she'd said yes to him! He could've lost his fucking virginity to Lila fucking Nash! Imagine! ...And then he'd gotten a stupid detention and the dream of being with Lila Nash had shattered. Damn Snape! DAMN HIM TO HELL! Sirius scowled and shot out a foot at the wall. Sodding Snivellous just had to go and snitch on him for taking some exta ingrediants from the potions stores for he and the marauders' latest prank idea. That stupid, slimy snake. Never could seem to keep that abnormally large nose of his out of other people's business.

Sirius harrumphed loudly, brushing an annoying strand of gleaming midnight hair from his eyes and glowering truculently. It was so unfair.

A crash suddenly resounded through the hall breaking him from his childish reverie. Sirius glanced around, startled from his scowl by the clamor. "What the fuck?" he muttered bewildredly. He glanced about himself, confusion creasing his forehead. The shadows seemed to darken as he watched and a shiver traced its way down his back. The shadows made his stomach turn to lead._'Creepy'_ The thought whispered in his head, ghosting through him like a quiet, intangible mist in one of the muggle horror movies Remus was always going on about. Sirius wandered dimly if a bunch of inferi were about to leap from the darkness. He shook his head several times, forcing himself back to reality. Inferi couldn't get inside Hogwarts. He was fine. The noise...some of the suits of armor had probably just been fighting and one had fallen. That was it. He relaxed slightly, amusement now warring with the sense of panic, the feeling that something was _not right.. _Stupid armor.

Oh well, might as well go see what was going on. The armor fights were always a great source of hilarity, same as with the portraits. It was always something ridiculus and positively ancient and generally served as a nice distraction from such unpleasent things as..well...Snivellous. He sneered at the thought of the other boy,the evil freak. Yeah. He could definitely use some distraction right about now. Otherwise he might just hunt Snape down and tear his greasy, stupid head off. Lila Nash...he groaned again and, decision made, continued on towards the source of the crash.

"lumus" Sirius muttered, holding his wand before him. The castle was spooky at night, dark and ominous. He held his now lit wand aloft and glanced about. A fork in the road. Well this was just bloody brilliant wasn't it? He glowered about himself, trying to recall from which direction the noise had seemed to stem. All this for a stupid armor fight. They better help cheer him the fuck up. Otherwise he'd sic Frank on them. Frank was amazing at charms and transfiguration and he and Sirius had formed a bond over their common brilliance in McGonagall's class. Together the two of them could work wonders on the would-be "inanimate" objects of Hogwarts.

After pondering for a brief moment, he headed left, his annoyance increasing. _This better be worth it... _This corridor was darker than the previous and his feeble lumus, as opposed to making everything clearer, brighter, only made the hall that much eerier. Therefore, when his wand lighted upon something on the floor that looked suspiciously like blood, he shuddered, muttered a quick _nox_, and kept walking. A couple of times he slid on more of the suspicious fluid but, as long as he couldn't see it, he simply couldn't bring himself to care..

As he continued to make his way through the darkened corridor, he felt the amount of mysterious liquid begin to increase. Finally, he became far too agravated and muttered "lumus maxima." Bringing himself down to his knees Sirius brought down the wand and gasped at what was now obviously crimson blood, pooling along the tiled floor of the desolate corridor.

As if in a trance, Sirius stood, gaze still fixed upon the blood, and began walking, following the trail of gore. It only seemed to be getting worse and the idea that this was coming from a person, particularly someone he knew, made bile rise in his throat. He managed to tear his gaze from the floor but even if he'd wanted to he couldn't stop himself from moving forwards.

And then, _glump_. Sirius' foot slammed into something and he fell forwards onto whatever it was with a loud, resounding _crash_, his wand flying from his hand. He grunted loudly and groped about on the floor for it, mentally cursing his terrible night-vision. Finally his hand found his wand and he brought it up, grumbling out another "Lumus Maxima". He glanced down at the thing he'd tripped over and instantaneously jumped to his feet, snarling.

"WHAT THE HELL? SNIVELLOUS? "


	4. Chapter 3: Just Keep Falling

A/N- Terrible updater, yes I know. I apologize for the wait, but my muse had shifted into my novel-writing. A total of about 140 pages later and it's decided to shift back, leaving me a writer's-blocked catastrophe in reference to my novel and autobiography, but making a return to, obviously, this. So…Hi. J

Disclaimer-…need I say more? The word itself is fairly self-explanatory, and I really don't feel like participating in the redundancy epidemic. Sorry.

When the Strong Break

_Chapter three_: **Just keep Falling**

"Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart, so things can fall together."

-Source Unknown

"Snape? Snape, c'mon get up! This isn't funny! ...Snivellous?" by the end Sirius' voice had gone from nervous to angry to plaintive. His hands trembled. This couldn't be happening.

"Come on Snape! Get up!" He reached down and grabbed the other boy's shoulder, shaking him roughly. Severus was like a rag doll. Sirius swallowed hard and stared at the blood dripping down for a moment, almost mesmerized by it. Well scared shitless was more like it, nonetheless... Sirius's eyes caught upon his wand and, like a bolt of lightening, the thought of what he needed to do struck him hard. Adrenaline surged through his veins. Fight or flight. In true Gryffindor fashion...he ran.

His trainers squelched on the floor as he sprinted, hollering down the corridor, "Somebody! Somebody help!" He had thought for a moment that he 'ought to do a healing charm, but, quite frankly, Sirius had never been good at them and, amazingly enough, he'd managed to think before he acted on the impulse. Who was he kidding? If he'd tried, Snape'd probably be more screwed than he already was. It was one of the few areas of charms that Sirius could simply not master. Thank Merlin that, by some odd trick of fate, Snape had chosen to kill himself in a corridor very close to the infirmary and Madame Pomfrey's rooms.

Speak of the devil, as he reached the hospital wing, panting a bit, but still somehow managing to bellow "Help! Somebody help!", a light flicked on and the mediwitch herself emerged.

"What in Merlin's name is going on?" She exclaimed.

"Madame Pomfrey! It's Snape! He needs help!"

And he took off once more, darting back the way he'd come, Madame Pomfrey running along behind him, their footfalls breaking up the tense quiet.

In a stroke of luck, they managed to make it back to Snivellous's fallen form and the blood encrusted blade by his side. Madame Pomfrey immediately dropped to her knees beside him, a cool, businesslike mask sliding into place. She extended a well-trained hand towards his throat's pulse, carefully avoiding the gored wrist.

It was too late. _**He was dead.**_

Trembling she maneuvered the child's fresh corpse into her arms. Sirius stared. It was his fault….but he oddly could not bring himself to care. He'd just contributed to another's _**suicide**_. _Oh well. _He felt oddly…normal. Snape had just died. Because of him. And he felt fine.

Then Snape sucked in a rattling breath. The noise, a harsh, grating, desperately _human _thing, sounded terrifyingly similar to that made by those enduring a dementor's kiss. Sirius flinched back against the cold flagstones, now staring in abject horror. How was Snape still alive?

Madam Pomfrey lifted him carefully and began to march back to her office, precariously balancing Snape's body in the same way you'd carry a coffin to a funeral. As she passed Sirius, she hissed for him to follow her.

They reached the hospital wing with surprising speed. Madam Pomfrey laid Snape gingerly in one of the beds, motioning for Sirius to take a seat. He did so, huddling in the chair and watching as she began to work diligently, pausing only to inform Filch that there was an urgent sort of mess and of said mess's location. As Sirius watched, everything that had come to pass hit him suddenly with chilling intensity. He shivered violently as the world spun a one eighty. His breath caught. And suddenly he was sobbing.

Sirius Black was not a cruel boy. He would fully admit to having an offbeat sense of humor. But cruelty? He was not like the rest of the Blacks. At least, he'd never thought he was. That is, until now of course. Because Sirius Black had never felt like Sirius _Black _until he saw a classmate (only Severus Snape, but a person he realized for the first time, nonetheless) dying in the hospital wing while Sirius began to suffocate in the vice-like grip of what he'd done to cause this. And Sirius Black knew that, someway or another, he had caused everything.

When Madam Pomfrey finally managed to stabilize Snape, she turned her attention to Sirius, her gaze a peculiar mixture of righteous indignation and clinical concern. Without a word (her lips and throat were far too dry to talk, even if she had known something to say. Which she didn't in the least.), she meandered over to her potions cabinet, movements stiff and performed as if she weren't really there at all, merely running on autopilot. She extracted a flask from one of the shelves and handed it to him. He drained it in one go, not bothering to read the label until after the potion had already been imbibed. Calming drought. Had he not been calm? Was he bothered? Sirius frowned, and for the first time noticed his trembling hands. His eyes caught a mirror and he winced inwardly.

His usually tan olive complexion was wan, his face was drawn, grey eyes staring widely, soullessly forward. His uniform was covered in blood, and ripped in a few places, exposing patches of goose bump-riddled skin. His hair, always so indelible, was matted with blood and a static mess. Sirius's inner narcissist (who bore a positively striking resemblance to Lucius Malfoy) reeled back in horror at the stranger reflecting back at him.

"Mr. Black, I recommend you return to your dormitory at once. Given the situation, I will make sure you receive no punishment should you be found by Argus. That is, of course, only relevant should you get back to your common room at least, without taking any further detours."

Madam Pomfrey's voice was hoarse and tired, yet there still lingered an under-tide of the force for which she was renowned.

She steered him to the door, her grip unusually gentle, and pressed a second flask into his hand, before closing and warding the doors shut behind her. Sirius looked numbly at the label. Dreamless sleep. He nodded to himself, then frowned as he felt a piece of parchment stuck to the bottom of the bottle. In the cramped scrawl infamous to nurses worldwide (one of the few infamies relevant in both the wizard and muggle world from what he'd heard), it said "See Dumbledore when you wake up. He'll want to speak with you. Take a single swallow of this only. It's very addictive and an easy thing to overdose on. The overdose aftereffects are not fun. ~Madam P.P."

Sirius stared at the note for a few more seconds, before cramming it into the pocket of his ruined robes, his heart in his throat. Dumbledore would want to see him? What was that supposed to mean? Was he going to be in trouble or something? Sirius felt the slightest swelling of annoyance at that thought and latched onto it as though it were a life preserver thrown to him as he was drowning in the torrential currents of some hell-bent sea. What a load of bull! He'd saved a life tonight! Snivellus's for Merlin's sake! He 'ought to be receiving a damn order of Merlin, not getting yelled at. Sirius aimed a kick at the stone wall, his frustration mounting. 'Son of a bitch…'

Sirius finally reached the Portrait of the Fat Lady, murmuring a quick lumus to help wake her up. She squinted at him as he approached her

"Ah, Black. Mr. Potter was looking for you earlier. Isn't it a bit late to be strolling the corridors?" she asked, clearly disgruntled with him. Then:

"Is that blood on your robes? Good Godric, boy! What happened?"

Oh right. The blood. He grimaced and pointed his wand at himself, muttering "scourgify".

"That's better," the Fat Lady approved, seemingly more sympathetic to his breach in her "beauty sleep" after having seen his robes.

On any other night, Sirius would have probably brought that up. Banter and underhanded flirting with everyone in sight were two of his absolute favorite pastimes. Girls, boys, professors, portraits, suits of armor (now, that one had been amusing). You name it, he'd flirted with it. But, tonight was not just any other night. Hell, tonight Sirius wasn't even Sirius. Tonight, he was a Black. And, with that weight on his mind, engaging in any of his usual chosen pastimes would have been more ludicrous than animating and throwing pick up lines at a suit of armor in a skimpy dress. Excluding one. He needed to sleep.

"Password?" The Fat Lady suggested, practically exuding pity now.

"Bumble butter."

She swung open and he stepped into the common room. The fire was casting great shadows over the rich scarlet carpet and the crimson, gold-lined sofa upon which Sirius spotted James lounging, Remus beside him, absorbed in a book.

"Sirius," James exclaimed, leaping up.

"Where've you been?"

"Have you been in detention this whole time?" Remus asked, looking up.

Detention! Sirius seized the excuse gratefully.

"Yes, that's where I was. I was in detention!"

James frowned at him.

"Why'd Minnie keep you so long? It's almost one."

"I-…"

"Never mind, it's not important. You're here now," James cut him off. "Guess what! Evans and Snape are in a huge fight now. It's official. She told me that we've been right about him all along! Is that great or what? Now, I think I need to avenge her honor, so we need to really get Snivellous this time. He needs to really pay for hurting my girl!"

Sirius shook his head, bile rising once more in his throat.

"I don't know…"

"Thank you Sirius! What have I been telling you Jamie? It's not right! If Sirius thinks you're taking this too far, then you must be! You've finally seen the light Sirius! We don't need to go after Snape to have fun! What caused this one-eighty? McGonagall do you in?" Remus was grinning, very conspicuously delighted at the idea of not having to neglect his duties as a prefect any longer. Sirius swallowed a lump of guilt.

"I'm tired. Think I'm gonna go to bed."

James' face had fallen.

"What the hell Siri? This is Snape! We hate him! He's evil, remember? Pure evil. And he hurt Evans."

"Evans is your girl, not mine. No, she's not even yours," Sirius bit out, his earlier fury beginning to return, seeping into his words like poison into one's bloodstream.

"But she's one of us, a Gryffindor. And I'm in love with her," James argued, annoyance flaring in his thin features.

He shifted his weight, one hand lifting to irritably smooth out his hair, one of his most telling gestures of frustration. When James stopped rumpling his hair, and instead subconsciously worked through it, doing his best to smooth it out, you knew trouble was coming if you didn't step off. Remus saw it and did just that, motioning towards the stairs, muttering something about bedtime, and making a run for it. Sirius, on the other hand, was the epitome of a brazen Gryffindor. No way in hell was he stepping off.

"Shut your sodding mouth for once James. You've only ever really liked her because you can't get her. How could you love her? Fuck! You call the girl by her last name, James. And she may be a Gryff, but she's an annoying one! She's a swot and a total nark! She's a babe, sure, but she's a bitch more than half the time. Get over it!"

James gaped at him for several seconds before snapping his mouth closed and his fist forward. Sirius dodged, blood pumping hard. This was what he wanted, what he'd been wanting for the past several hours. He wanted a fight.

He threw a punch and it slammed into James' arm. James came back with a clock of his own, knuckles crashing into Sirius's temple. They ducked and weaved, throwing punches, kicks, anything to get it out, whatever it was that had taken them over. Their wands fell to the carpet, forgotten amidst the physicality, the intimacy of their fight.

When it was over, they were both beaming and breathing hard. James clapped Sirius on the back.

"Good show," he laughed still breathless.

"Bugger off Jamie," Sirius smirked elbowing James.

The boys glowed, basking in the light of their rejuvenated camaraderie.

"But, seriously, not wanting to piss off Snape? Insulting me? You almost had me convinced you'd gone insane. Obviously not though. You're the same Sirius as ever. To think- you! Changing that much!" James snorted. "Poor Remus will be disappointed. Ah well, he'll get over it, of course. Come on, You caught me a fair few times and I'm going to be needing my beauty sleep to help heal up."

"You could just do a healing spell. You're actually good at that," Sirius commented, his euphoria of mere seconds prior swiftly wearing off.

"Oh, not that. I'll take care of those, though you know it'll still take a couple hours to completely fix up. It's the mental scarring I need to my beauty sleep for. You wanting to give Snape a break….ha. For a second I considered asking if you two were in love or something. Oi, no, not going there. Now that is a traumatizing thought."

James knelt and picked up his and Sirius's wands, as well as Remus's, spotting it on the sofa next to where the werewolf had been seated.

"Come on, let's go up to the dorms before Remus asphyxiates. You know how Pete gets when he sleeps and poor Remus left without his wand so he has no protection against the stench. We can discuss everything further in the morning."

Together, the pair headed upstairs, James oblivious while Sirius's grin completely faded, melting out of existence. In the hospital wing, Severus awoke with a scream.


	5. Chapter 4: The World in Flames

When the Strong Break

_Chapter four: _**The World in Flames**

"Some people change when they see the light, others when they feel the heat."

-Caroline Shoeder

Severus looked wildly about himself, breath coming fast. The familiar, nondescript walls of the infirmary greeted his eyes, and he groaned loudly, doing his best to push himself up in the damn bed, and reaching to yank out his muggle IV (one of the few things muggles had accomplished that wizards and witches respected.). Unfortunately, while the IV was completely non-magical, the wards placed on it were most definitely not. Immediately, a loud bell sounded and Severus found himself strapped firmly into the bed, invisible cords binding him into position.

Madam Pomfrey strode from her office, arms crossed over her chest, eyes narrowed, and lips drawn tight. Severus's irritation withered and died beneath her furious gaze. He shrunk into the crisp white sheets, wishing more than anything that he had the freedom to control his limbs and could pull the sheets up over his head.

"Mr. Snape," Madame Pomfrey greeted him, with a curt, freezing nod.

Severus returned the gesture in kind, eyes meeting hers in a silent battle of wills.

Headmaster Dumbledore ambled in five minutes later to a deathly silent hospital wing and nurse and student still gazing intensely at one another. The old man chuckled and pulled up a chair, seating himself sagely on its edge, and pulling a small purple pouch from the pocket of his robe. He then proceeded to extract a lemon drop and pop it into his mouth, watching the war with an air of knowing amusement.

Ten minutes later, Sirius strode into the hospital wing, slamming the door behind him, and calling out,

"Dumbledore, I think-" He faltered in the silence, taking in the scene around him with abject bewilderment.

The two students in beds aside from Severus, himself, had propped themselves up, watching Severus and Pomfrey's staring contest as if entranced, each clutching a bag of lemon drops and every once in a while slowly bringing one to their mouth. Professor Dumbledore was stroking his beard with one hand, while the other pulled out lemon drops from what seemed to be an endless supply. His half-moon glasses were refracting the glaring hospital lights, and the corners of his lips were upturned.

Sirius stared at the scene before him then slowly, ever so slowly, made his way forwards, dark eyes never once moving from the strange spectacle taking place, and sank into a chair placed conveniently beside the eccentric headmaster. He continued to watch for the next two minutes, not a limb twitching. Abruptly both Pomfrey and Snape exhaled sharply and Snape turned his head to the side, laying back in the hospital bed and glowering truculently at the magic mirages of scanning looming beside him, arms crossed over his now heaving chest as best as they could. Madame Pomfrey was smirking triumphantly, a single eyebrow drawn up in an oddly smug arc. Sirius's eyes darted back and forth then he broke out:

"What the hell was that?"

With his comment, the rest of the room seemed to unfreeze. Madame Pomfrey laughed, a grin cracking through her stoic pretense of necessary medical (semi)detachment. Headmaster Dumbledore merely turned to him, a smile lifting his jowls and wrinkles, de-aging him further than most had ever seen. Blue eyes twinkled and a purple pouch was suddenly procured and held out to him.

"Hello Sirius. Care for a lemon drop?"

And then both of the kids on the beds around them were cracking up and Sirius, too, wasted no time joining in, hysteria bubbling up within him. In moments, all but Snape and Dumbledore had dissolved into a helpless fit of laughter. Even Snape was restraining a grin, Sirius noted. Dumbledore merely watched them, an expression of calm amusement on his face.

Eventually the guffaws desisted and the room turned into a mixture of solemnity, giddiness, and that awkward tickling sensation that invaded after any situation where several at-best acquaintances shared in an oh-so personal release such as what had occurred. Sirius found himself wordlessly reaching over and taking the purple pouch. He popped a lemon drop into his mouth and began to chew, his face twisting, and that feeling of nausea once more assailing his senses. He shouldn't have come.

Pomfrey inhaled deeply than began bustling around the room, her ears burning below her professional bun of auburn hair. She grasped three, then four potions and strode back to the side of Snape's bed, tossing out a crisp "Mr. Lowell and Ms. Wice, you may leave now. Return if anything else comes up."

Both of the students nodded, looking embarrassed, and jumped from their beds, hurrying sheepishly from the room, stopping only to attempt to return the bags of lemon drops to Dumbledore and be kindly waved off. The door shut heavily behind them.

"Why's he here?" Severus asked suddenly, jerking his head in Black's direction.

Sirius glared at the Slytherin.

"I was the one who found your dumb-arse last night," he shot back, annoyance flaring in his grey eyes, setting them on fire.

Snape quieted, a dull flush mounting his sallow cheeks.

"Oh," he muttered.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"I'm only here cause I was supposed to go talk to you, Headmaster. But the note in your office said to come here. So here I am. But are we actually gonna talk, cause if not, I have better places to be." There was a pause then he tacked on, "No offense or anything."

"It's quite alright, Sirius," Dumbledore said softly, a smile reappearing on his face, though sadder now, less twinkling.

"First I wanted to thank you for saving young Severus here. I know you don't like him, so your actions were in fact very honorable and I want you to know that they will not go unrewarded."

Sirius's mouth fell open. _Wow. Hadn't seen that coming..._

From the bed, Severus groaned loudly, muttering something into his pillow.

Professor Dumbledore looked up.

"Do you have something to say Severus?"

Sirius scowled. Slimy arse was probably just going to get all pissy about him getting rewarded. As expected, Snape jerked himself up, face lined with fury.

"You're kidding right?" he snapped.

Beside him Madame Pomfrey sighed and shook her head wearily, laying a sympathetic hand on the boy's bandaged arm, before turning around and busying herself with picking up bottles and folders and returning to her office. Dumbledore frowned at Severus.

"Mr. Snape, Sirius here saved your life last night. You owe him some respect and appreciation."

Severus shook his head in disgust and slumped back.

"He only delayed the inevitable," he muttered sullenly, trying desperately to quell the rising lump of frustration and humiliation in his throat.

Sirius rolled his eyes, frustrated as well.

"That's a bit melodramatic, isn't it, Snivel….I mean…Snape."

Severus clenched his teeth.

"Is it, Black?"

"Now, now, boys," Dumbledore tutted, frowning now.

"This is no reason to fight. Severus you cannot deny that it is due to Sirius' thoughtful intervention that you are still here today."

"You're right," Severus said bitterly. "It's his bloody fault that I'm still alive." His obsidian eyes turned onto Sirius.

"I hate you."

Sirius stared at him for a long moment then looked away, fingers twitching upwards and scratching upwards.

"Mr. Snape, you must learn to restrain yourself," Dumbledore said darkly. "This boy did a good thing for you last night whether you realize it or not. Sirius I commend you, my boy. I am very proud."

Sirius nodded dumbly, not knowing what to say. He normally would have relished this statement. Part of him certainly did. However, a larger part of him was still furious with Snape and, even more, with himself. Yes, he'd saved a life. Dumbledore was right that he'd saved Snivellous, but, at the same time, he still couldn't shake the feeling that he wouldn't have had to if he hadn't done all that shit to Snape to begin with. Sure, he always thought the Slytherin deserved it. Hell, part of him still did. But at the same time…he knew he'd been no-one to be proud of last night. He'd been a Black. He'd actually been fine at the thought of Snape being dead. He'd almost caused the other boy's suicide for Merlin's sake. Sirius hardly felt proud of that. _'But,' _he reminded himself, _'Dumbledore doesn't know any of that.' _Sirius was glad.

"Let's finish this conversation in my office. Apparently it cannot take place here," Dumbledore said wistfully. He stood and Sirius stood with him. The headmaster patted Severus's shoulder.

"Feel better, Mr. Snape. I'll return later on to discuss everything with you further."

And with that, he left, Sirius trailing unsurely behind him. The infirmary doors shut with a resounding thud.

Severus lifted his head and let it fall back heavily, slamming into the wall. He grasped the pillow from behind his head, shoving it hard against his face, and released a muffled scream.


	6. Chapter 5: World Weary

When the Strong Break

_Chapter five: _**World Weary**

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

-Edgar Allen Poe

* * *

Stupid, bloody Sirius Black. Severus had never hated him before as much as he did now. Fucking self-righteous Gryffindor….It was Severus's body. It was Severus's life. Who the hell did Black think he was? Fuck, who the hell did any of them think they were? They had no right! It was his body, no one else's. His world. His. His. **His.  
**

And, it seemed like these days the whole world was taking him over, claiming him, possessing him. Turning him into their own personal object, their own personal toy. Severus blinked back tears, feeling like a child and both hating himself for it, and not really caring at all.

He was just _so _tired.

Couldn't they see that?

Silly him, of course they could. They just didn't care. No-one did. Not Black, not Dumbledore, not Potter, not his father, not his mum, not Lucius or…Rosier…or even Lily, after all the years they'd been "best friends". What did he do that made him worth so much less than the rest of them? That made him deserve all of this? He just wanted out, wanted it so desperately it physically hurt, and they wouldn't even give him that.

But he'd show them. He wasn't sure how he'd manage it, of course. He barely had enough energy to hold back his tears or the tantrum he'd been working to keep at bay for weeks now, so Severus didn't actually have any clue where he'd get the energy to so much as try again. Let alone to succeed…It seemed like so much work at the moment, yet he knew he'd find a way. He had to. He _had _to get out...

Before Summer at the latest. He was not going home, not again. He couldn't take it anymore.

It was bad enough when it was just at his house on Spinner's End. It was bad enough when it was just at Hogwarts from time to time, once a month maybe, usually, at most. But, if he made it to this Summer, he'd be forced to deal with both almost simultaneously for the first time in his life, and he _**couldn't. **_Not anymore. **It was just too hard!**

Merlin, he felt so disgusting.

Severus curled his legs tighter to his chest, glad that he'd been restored at least some modicum of free-movement.

…Sometimes he wondered if everyone knew. And if they were just trying to keep him in this hell, because they thought he deserved it. Or they thought it was funny. Maybe both. That was one of the reasons Potter and Black's latest prank had hit him so hard. And Lily had laughed, like he'd always been so scared she would do. They'd started talking again recently, just a little bit. Not talking actually…but she'd started to somewhat acknowledge him again, for the first time since he'd called her mudblood. And then she'd laughed, and when he'd seen her afterwards he'd been so hurt and so humiliated and her laugh, usually sweet and light and happiness incarnate, had resounded high and cold in his ears. So, when she checked on him afterwards, asked offhandedly if he was alright, and told him quietly that it hadn't really been that bad, and he'd sorta deserved it after what he'd done to her…something in Severus had broken.

He still wasn't sure how he felt about shoving her away. The sight of her furious and cold and absolutely-done-with-him, can't-believe-she'd-even-bothered-to-care-at-all (which she fucking hadn't, no matter what she claimed!), on the ground was still burned into his retinas. Part of him felt sick at the image, couldn't believe that he'd hurt his Lily, no matter how much she'd hurt him. But that part was infinitesimal now. Most of him was just tired.

Tired of Lily's games. And Dumbledore's. And Potter's and Black's. And Malfoy's. And Rosier's. And his father's. And his…

Severus shut off the thought there, bile scorching his throat at just the last people on that list. He didn't need to add the final. He felt sick enough as is, and even just the name, the title, the face, the….it would put him over the edge that he was still so desperately, so _weakly _clinging to.

The bottom line was that he was angry and he was worn out and he just wanted to be left alone.

The only thing Severus could focus on without being ill now was his exhaustion, so he did, letting it fall over him, like a blanket, like a shroud, obscuring the rest of the world so that the only thing left was, _tired, so, so tired._

_

* * *

_

The more Sirius thought about it, the more he realized that it was totally not. his. fault.

He kept going over and over finding Snape in his head, going over and over seeing the prick the next day in the infirmary, going over and over his conversation with Dumbledore, and with every review his anger grew a bit more, so that now it towered over him, crashing down in a torrent, like a tsunami, every time he finished inwardly telling his tale and went to suck in a breath.

He'd never had anything to do with whatever the hell was wrong with Snape, and the slimy snake had had no right to make him feel like he did. Snivellous was just weak, that was what it was. He was weak and he was crazy and he was a bastard and, really, he should be dead because he was filth, but thankfully there were people like Sirius and James in this world who would see dirt for what it was, but save it nonetheless. Snape had been being pathetic and dramatic and Sirius was furious with both the Slytherin for his drama and himself for being dragged into it.

But, above all else, Sirius was positively livid with Snape because, somehow, Snape had made him feel like a Black. And that sickened him.

The more he thought about it, the more sure he was that that had all been some twisted plot to get back at Sirius for the Marauders' latest prank. After all, how _convenient_ was it that Pomfrey had been just a corridor over, and awake. How _convenient _was it that Snape had survived that level of damage anyways? Really, the whole plan just reeked of filthy Snake, and more specifically the plot screamed Snape. It was the exact sort of morbid, manipulative, dark plan that the likes of Snivellous's sick brain would cook up.

And that _really pissed Sirius off._

He wished he didn't have to think about this stuff, but Dumbledore had "recommended" he take a few days off after what had happened. Which meant, once again all because of Snape, he was left to wander the grounds alone.

James and Peter were in transfiguration right now, probably having a blast boggling Minnie's mind with wacky transformations. And Remus was in Ancient Runes with the Slytherins, if he remembered correctly. Sirius sighed and swung his broom from over his shoulder, collapsing on the grass just behind the pitch and staring fixedly at his broom's polished wood. He didn't really feel much like flying, which was weird for him. But without James and the others, it didn't seem like as much fun. Unlike James who loved to fly and play quidditch for the activities themselves, Sirius was interested mainly due to the social aspect of both things. He wasn't a social butterfly or anything, just things always felt cooler when there were other people to do them with.

Sirius lay back and scowled at the sky.

Once again, he'd been screwed over by a Slyther-freak.

* * *

Sirius awoke several hours later with a groan. He hadn't expected to fall asleep on ground, and his neck was positively killing him.

He grimaced as he clambered to his feet, pulling his broom up with him. Luckily, he'd gone down here while it was still morning, so it was still reasonably light outside. He pressed a yawn into his palm and slumped back towards Hogwarts, eyes squinting in the sunlight. He made it to the Gryffindor common room within about ten minutes and trudged up the stairs to the fifth year boys' dormitory.

James was lounging on his bed, lazily toying with his snitch, and Peter was plopped on the edge of his own bed, watching with an expression of mingled envy and awe, every once in a while plunging his hand into the sack that sat on his knee and bringing a chocolate to his mouth.

"Oi, James, would you quit playing with that thing?"

James glanced up at him, a smirk twisting his lips, and waggled his eyebrows.

"Why, do you want to play with it for me?"

"James, no-one wants to play with anything of yours," Sirius retorted, trying to snap a bit of his usual energy into his tone.

"I do! Can I try it, James?" Peter asked excitedly, his obliviousness causing both boys to lapse into hysteria. The snitch zoomed around beneath their beds.

"Oh, Pete, buddy, thank you for that," Sirius grinned as soon as he was calm enough.

Peter just blushed, having realized James's meaning shortly after the pair had bust out laughing.

"So," Sirius began as he kicked off his shoes, "Where's Remy?"

"Library," James sighed. "And Evans is too, so there's pretty much nothing to do."

Sirius snorted, flopping onto his bed, and watching Pete pull a book out of his trunk.

"You're in way too deep," he told James seriously.

James just shrugged, holding out his hand just in time to catch the ball effortlessly. Sirius shook his head.

"I still don't know why you're a chaser instead of a seeker."

James flashed a grin his way, releasing the snitch once again.

"I've told you before, Siri, it's too easy. I like myself a chase."

Sirius rolled his eyes playfully, crossing his arms beneath his head.

"Whatever."

James ignored him, sitting up fully.

"Are you ready to help me plan revenge on Snivellous now?" he asked.

Sirius swallowed hard.

"What?"

Crap. He'd completely forgotten about James's desire to attain vengeance in a big way. Their fight that night had completely swiped the statement from his brain.

Honestly, what was he supposed to do? He didn't give a damn about Snivellous, but he was in the infirmary still. And hitting him right as he got out would be really messed up, no matter how much he deserved it. But still…he couldn't just not say no to James, could he? Did he even want to?

"Revenge," James repeated. "Snivellous needs to wish he was never born."

Sirius tried to ignore how that statement made him feel sick.

"He bloody pushed Evans, Siri. She had a bruise on her back from hitting the floor. Talk about evil."

Sirius nodded numbly, trying to remember his anger.

Snape had scared the fuck out of him.

He'd been a giant, stubborn, melodramatic prick to Sirius even when he knew that Sirius had saved him.

He'd made Sirius feel like a _Black_.

A rush of cold fury flooded him. It felt like home.

"Hell yeah," he heard himself say quietly, pushing back the image in his head of Snivellous gored and dying on the cold flagstone floor.

"Let's get Snape back."

* * *

A/N-

Hey everyone! Hope you're not too furious with me for the wait. I finally had my sugery about a month ago now, then of course I managed to get an infection on the incisions which equaled out to yet another damn hospital stay. But I'm feeling much better now, and I've already made headway on chapter six of this, which I'm hoping to post later today (Twice in one day? Really? Me? Yes! XD I know it's a shocker….). I'm hoping this and my next update make up in content and length for the horrible wait. If it helps, I feel like my excuses are pretty good. I got beat up earlier this year, and I've had something like three or four hospital visits/stays since my last update. PLUS, I managed to reach page 200 in my original novel, and complete a short story that's going to be sent out to publishers soon. ^^ Anyways, I love you guys. Your reviews and support were immensely helpful in my eventual completion of this chapter. I hope no one's too mad at me…So, what'd you think of this chapter? Why don't you just click that there button and tell me? =D

(p.s. sorry for the horrifically long note)


	7. Chapter 6: Denial

When the Strong Break

_Chapter six: _**Denial**

"Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but instead thank him for having not given it wings."

-Indian Proverb

* * *

No matter how much he was trying to pretend otherwise, Sirius Black felt guilty.

He kept trying to remind himself that Snape was dirt. A filthy, slimy snake. One that had probably tricked him for pay back. He was pure evil.

But…

There was still that niggling, nagging sensation of guilt, clinging stubbornly to his stomach, burning through his flesh, melting him from the inside out, without mercy. And there was the picture of Snape with his arms completely gored, tendons exposed, cut, layers of muscle and fat virtually sawed through. Revulsion lit fire to his throat and spilled out from between his lips into the toilet. He sighed and sat back against the cool porcelain, swiping the back of his hand over his mouth for what felt like the millionth time that day.

It was now the fourth day since he'd found Snape, and his third missing classes. He'd never thought that he would actually miss his classes, but he did. Isolation did not suit him in the least.

Sirius grasped a cup of water from the counter and sipped it absently, reveling in the cool liquid as it relieved his anguish.

Snape was supposed to be released later today, much to his chagrin.

Snape getting out meant one thing.

They would have to strike.

James had never been patient, and when it came to a plot against Snape his fuse was particularly short. Sirius had done what he could to talk the other boy out of it, but to no avail. He knew James, had this recklessness and impatience in common, and he'd known all along that the chances of even delaying the Marauders' attack against Snivellous were next to none.

And, tempted as he was to tell the others he was sick in an attempt to get out of this, Sirius was no coward. Besides, it almost felt like he had to prove himself now. If he didn't attack Snape, that meant that Snivellous had won. Sirius was not about to let the damn snake have that amount of leverage over him. His reluctance, he told himself firmly, was only because he was a good person, and attacking Snape four on one in general was one thing, but attacking Snape four on one as he was just leaving the hospital wing…well, it sounded a lot worse. Meaner. And, almost…Slytherin.

Sirius shook his head to dispel that train of thought.

They were Gryffs. They were the good guys here. Snape was an evil death-eater in training. He'd pushed a girl. He deserved what he got. The Slytherins wouldn't do shit about it, because they were evil too, and they'd probably be pleased to see some guy shoving a girl around, as opposed to wanting to protect her.

Sirius moaned quietly, letting his pounding head fall into his palms for a moment, then jerked himself to his feet.

He swayed a moment, then made his way back into the dormitory, crossing to his trunk and grabbing a book James had leant him on Quidditch teams and strategies, then leaned back in bed, shooting a vague look at the clock. It was almost five, which meant classes were pretty much all wrapped up. James, Remus, and Peter had told him to meet them outside at half past, after Remus had finished making James do a bit of homework.

At about five-fifteen Sirius got up from the bed, pocketed his wand, and made his way to their usual spot on the grounds. James and Peter were playing poker with a deck of self-shuffling cards and an assortment of chocolate frog cards. Remus was perched reading in the large beech tree above them, one leg tucked in, whilst the other dangled lackadaisically into the air. Sirius threw himself onto the dew-damp grass between Pete and James, forming a sort of triangle.

"Deal me in?" he asked. James shrugged.

" Sure. We were just about to start anyways." He tapped the deck twice with his wand and a series of random cards separated themselves, sliding out. Sirius smirked and took them, pulling his own share of starting chocolate frog cards towards him.

"High card wins," James informed him, examining Peter's face, his hazel eyes glinting mischievously.

* * *

They played for the next hour or so until dinner, Peter winning two out of three games, with Sirius winning just the second game they'd played. James was grumpy with his loss, though Remus told him fondly that he really should've expected it when he'd brought out the cards and suggested poker. James liked to think he had a better stone-face than he did.

Following a dinner full of watching James flirt with a strangely-receptive Evans and Remus making a pig out of himself with the steak, the boys retreated upstairs. James glanced around the lively common room as they entered, then jerked his head questioningly in the direction of their dorm. After exchanging several greetings, they made it upstairs and collapsed on their individual beds. Oddly, Peter was the first to speak.

"Are you sure Snape's leaving the hospital wing at ten?" Pete asked James, a nervous expression on his face.

James rolled his eyes.

"Eleven," he corrected easily. "I was in there before classes started today, under the invisibility cloak, and Pomfrey and Snape were discussing it. Snape wanted to leave as late as she'd let him, that way the corridor's would be emptier. Pomfrey agreed with him and said she'd let him leave at a quarter past eleven."

Remus heaved a sigh.

"I really wish you'd put this off a bit more," he mumbled. Then, louder: "Do you even know why he's in there Prongs?"

James shrugged again.

"I know the rumors."

"What have you heard?" Sirius asked quietly. Because he hadn't been in classes since the incident, he'd been out of touch with the gossip mill.

"I heard he was doing some extra potions work and his cauldron exploded all over him. And someone else said that he was working on some new spell and he blew up a bunch of glasses and shit all over himself."

"I heard the potions thing," Peter volunteered. "Except they said that it got into his blood or something and gave him an infection. And that's why he's been in there so long."

James snickered.

"Snape giving himself AIDS…I could see that happening."

James, Sirius, and Peter all lapsed into a fit of laughter at that.

"I heard it had something to do with you," Remus's quiet voice spoke up, his caramel eyes fixed on Sirius.

Their giggles abruptly cut off. Sirius leveled a narrow look at Remus, while James and Peter looked between the two. James seemed confused and intrigued, Peter excited and nervous.

"Where'd you get that?" Sirius asked harshly.

Remus shrugged.

"Just some friends. Word is that's why Dumbledore wanted to see you the next day. And that that's why you're missing class for a week."

"Is that true?" James asked, staring at Sirius.

Sirius ignored him.

"What exactly did they say I had to do with it?" he asked Remus, voice soft in sound, yet hard in tone.

Remus clasped his hands in his lap and wrung them against each other a bit, forehead wrinkling.

"There's two different way it's been spun," he said slowly.

"And those are?"

"Sirius, please," Remus muttered plaintively. "Remember, I'm just the messenger here."

Sirius forced himself to relax slightly and attempted a comforting smile in his friend's direction.

"I know. I'm just curious."

"Some people are saying that you turned Snape's cutting spell on him."

"What?" Sirius asked, gaping furiously.

"Not that many people are saying that though," Remus told him, looking a bit frightened at Sirius's reaction.

"Well then?"

"Others are saying he was testing out that cutting spell…sectumsepra I think…..and it got botched and ended up hitting him really badly. And that you found him after he fainted and you got him to Pomfrey's."

Sirius took a moment to contemplate this. That made him sound really heroic, didn't it? He hadn't felt like much of a hero at the time, but now that he thought about it…even if Snape had wanted to prank him, Sirius's saving him was incredibly brave. Like Dumbledore had said. And it made Snape look pretty dumb didn't it? …and it was probably the closest to the truth he'd be able to tell his friends. After all, Dumbledore had asked him to not tell others what had happened. So, really, he might as well get some credit out of these rumors, right?

He nodded.

"That last one's true. Who'd you hear it from?"

"Bloody hell, Sirius. That's true?" James asked, looking astonished. Peter, too, was staring at Sirius, his jaw slack and eyes wide.

Sirius shrugged nonchalantly, laying back.

"Yeah, didn't think it was that big of a deal."

"Well," Remus started, but James cut him off.

"You're kidding me! Padfoot, do you understand what this means?"

Sirius shifted to stare at James, perplexity wrinkling the smooth plane of his forehead.

"That I'm an incredibly better person than that git?" he asked.

James shook his head, grinning.

"It means that Snape owes you a life debt now, like me," he exclaimed.

Remus groaned and Pete gasped. Sirius felt his own eyes widen. That hadn't even occurred to him!

"Bloody hell," he whispered, voice hoarse.

"Merlin," James laughed. "That just makes tonight all the better."

Sirius swallowed convulsively.

"About that…are you really sure you want to do it right as he's getting out?" Remus asked timidly.

James snorted.

"Of course I am. Remus, you're friends with Lily aren't you?"

Remus nodded hesitantly.

"Then, don't you want to get back at Snivelly for pushing her? You saw how upset Snivellous made her!"

Remus nodded, rolling out of his bed.

"You're right," he replied. Then: "It's almost dinner. I'm going to use the loo really fast. Should I meet you down there?"

"Yeah, sure," James retorted offhandedly, standing as well.

Sirius sighed and heaved himself up, stretching out a hand to Peter and pulling the smaller boy to his own feet. The three trooped down the stairs and to the great hall, discussing ideas for pranks they could pull on the entire school, as opposed to just Snape, all the while.

* * *

Severus watched disinterestedly as Madame Pomfrey unraveled the think cotton material wound about his arms. The bandages had been soaked at different levels with various potions meant to prevent infection, promote sinew, and repair tissue and muscle damage respectively. She'd done this thrice daily since his first day in the hospital, in addition to force feeding him nutrition potions. Now, though, was the final time.

"Looks to be healing nicely," she commented, examining his arms.

The scars were an angry violet shade, with pink outlining it, thick and bulging, making ugly ridges on his flesh.

"Now, let me just get some scar-fading salve and you'll be good as new," Pomfrey smiled. "You'll have to apply it liberally on both arms for the next three or so days, for it to be really effective, but-"

"I don't want it," Severus murmured.

"What? But, Severus-"

"No," he growled out quietly. "I don't want any salve."

"Mr. Snape…" Pomfrey trailed off uncertainly. She was plainly taken aback. She drew in a deep breath, then said gently, "Surely, Mr. Snape, you realize how…" she paused, obviously rooting around in her head for the proper way to phrase what she wanted to say, "obvious." she said at last, "that would be. At the moment, only Mr. Black, Dumbledore, and myself know the truth of what happened. If other students were to see these-"

"I don't care," Severus told her defiantly.

She grimaced, her hand reflexively closing over the tube of salve she'd been reaching for.

"Severus, please….Be rational…."

"It's my body," Severus replied, though this time his voice was less frigid and annoyed and more…desperate, pleading. "It's mine…My choice…"

She sighed heavily.

"Of course, Mr. Snape. I won't force anything on you." She turned to place the tube on a shelf behind her, missing his slight flinch. She did however note the soft sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Madame Pomfrey," he murmured, his head down.

"The scars will remain quite…obscene…without any salve," she informed him sadly.

An odd look of happiness flitted across his face.

"I know," he replied. Her eyes automatically narrowed a bit at the hopeful tone. It was just so strange.

"Well, that's all then," she told him gently. "It's eleven already, Severus. If you wish to leave now, you may. I sincerely doubt many students will be roaming the halls."

"I-I just have to…get dressed," he said, flushing slightly.

"Of course," her tone slid back to professional automatically.

"I'll just draw the curtains for you. And, Severus, when you're done getting dressed, come to my office first. I have a few last things to do before you leave."

He nodded perfunctorily and she rose, jerking her wand at the curtains as she walked away so that they drew themselves tightly shut, shielding him from sight.

Severus slid from between the sheets, grabbing his robes from the bedside table. He pulled them on quickly, pulling his wand from the drawer and slipping it up his sleeve with a swallow. His mind pulsed with ideas to make it take even longer to get back to his dormitory, but he could feel the futility of such an exercise overwhelming him fast. Merlin, he needed to take a shower. He could practically feel the filth deep inside his every pore, infecting him. His throat convulsed, a dry sob rising in his chest, just barely held back from bursting to the surface, agony pulsing upwards. He waved his wand vaguely at the curtains, letting them loosen, and pushed them to the side.

Madame Pomfrey looked up at the sound of his footsteps and stood.

"Sit," she told him gently, motioning to the chair just inside her office. He obeyed, slumping slightly.

"I'm putting monitoring spells over you, Dumbledore's orders."

"What?" he asked, startled. She'd never made him do that before…Granted, he'd never been quite this severe in his self-injurious behavior before, and all of his previous attempts to end his own life (something like four if you included this latest) had been rather…transparent, in retrospect. But still! It was his body, his life. They had no right.

"It's for your own good, Severus," Madame Pomfrey told him in clipped tones, a revolting expression of mingled frustration and pity twisting her face. She pointed her wand at him, muttering one, two, spells.

Heat rose in Severus's cheeks and he looked away, feeling sick. This wasn't fair.

"This will alert us if you attempt to severely injure yourself."

"Will it stop me?"

Madame Pomfrey pursed her lips.

"Not for right now," she retorted, "though that will change if we have a repeat performance like this latest."

He paused, stood, then turned back to face her at the door, leaving heavily against its frame.

"How long?" he asked darkly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"How long," Severus repeated through clenched teeth, "do I have to put up with this?"

She examined him for a moment.

Then, "A minimum of two weeks, after which Headmaster Dumbledore and I will evaluate your mental state and determine how to proceed."

Severus swallowed thickly, then jerked his head at her, and left hurriedly. He closed his eyes as he closed the heavy infirmary door behind him, leaning back against the wall. He drew several shaky breaths, trying to calm himself. He didn't understand how they could do this to him. Severus shuddered quietly, slamming his head back against the wall repeatedly as he worked to steady himself. Eventually, the throb in his skull did its job and his breathing settled to a more normal pace.

He was being so stupid. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Severus shook his head at his own antics, then heaved himself from the wall, muttering, "bloody moron, that's what you are Sev," to himself as he started down the dark corridor. As he walked, he attempted to ignore the sensation that he was being watched, hating himself for his own paranoia. There was a sound like a snicker as he turned down another corridor and he whirled around, his heart's pace quickening.

"Who's there?" he hissed into the darkness, eyes darting about himself.

Severus began to back up towards the wall, chewing on his lip.

"Potter, if that's you, you better come out from under that damned cloak," he scowled, examining the shadows, attempting to push every hint of hysteria beneath a mask of stone. Showing emotion, showing weakness, would only make things so much worse, he knew that well by now. He bumped into the wall in his attempt to retreat, or he thought he did. Until, of course, said wall sprouted arms that snaked about him, one going to clasp itself over his mouth as Severus released a frightened yelp.

Sniggers crowded in on him, seemingly coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once. Severus's heart thundered in his chest. Against his will, tears rose to his eyes.

No no no no no no no…..

"Hey, there Snivellous," Potter's voice hissed in his ear.

Severus was overcome by a rush of relief, then the hands tightened around him and the sensation abated, replaced with an upsurge of loathing towards Potter, and the damned, thrice-cursed Marauders, and, above all, himself. He hated them more than ever before, for making him in that instant grateful for the hurt they caused him, so horrible, but not nearly so devastating as the other possibilities of people to come at him from the shadows.

Severus scowled and rapidly sunk his teeth into Potter's hand.

Potter let out a few choice expletives, then spun Severus around and sunk his fist into the Slytherin's abdomen. He did this one more time then gripped Severus's arm and began dragging him down the corridor.

Severus struggled furiously against Potter.

"Let me go," he exclaimed, desperately trying to shake Potter off, but Potter just smirked and rolled his eyes.

And then, abruptly another, larger, hand fell onto his shoulder, clutching tightly, nails digging into Severus's flesh where his cloak had dipped down.

"Shut the hell up, grease-ball," Black's voice sounded in his ear. Severus swallowed, then began to struggle twice as hard, still to no avail.

"I'll scream," he panted out after a moment, hating the dread coiling in his stomach and really wishing that they would just let him go.

"You scream, I'll use that cutting spell of yours against you," Potter told him.

Severus couldn't hold back a derisive snort at that. He highly doubted that Potter would remember the proper word, and, frankly, he didn't actually give a damn if Potter sliced him open. Hell, if Severus couldn't do it himself, then all power to Potter. Except…no. That would also be like letting them win. Every single one of them. If anyone was going to kill Severus, it would be himself.

Severus forced himself to go limp in their arms for a while, then, hoping the element of surprise would be enough to escape, he jerked backwards, his wand falling from his sleeve and clattering to the floor with the force.

They let go, both of them for a second, and Severus began to run, but Potter was faster and tackled him to the floor, slamming his head into the flagstone. Blinding white burst behind Severus's eyelids and he released a choked cry. He lifted one hand to his head and felt the warm stickiness of his blood on his fingers.

Then they were dragging him again, but the trip ended all too soon, and Severus found himself thrust into an empty Defense classroom. Or, at least, he'd thought it was empty. Lupin and Pettigrew, the ever-handy ingrates, emerged from behind him, as Black and Potter came through the door. Potter locked it, then they approached too, coming at him from all sides.

"You pushed Evans and you're going to pay for it," Potter told him darkly as the four of them pressed in on him.

Severus just barely managed to stave off his laughter this time. That was what Potter was using as an excuse? Severus's desperate attempt to get Lily to back off when she'd been virtually on top of him and telling him that he'd "kinda deserved it"? Bloody Hell, Potter was so desperate to reason off his violence. All of them, really. They couldn't just be honest and admit that they truly wanted to hurt him because they enjoyed it, because they got off on his pain and humiliation. For supposed Gryffindors, they were so damn cowardly!

But then, Severus's head went blank as his back slammed into what really was a wall this time, and they were right there, and Potter was sneering at him and reaching forward. They were practically on top of him. No way out.

Severus swallowed hard, terror overwhelming him at his complete and utter helplessness. He pictured his wand, lying still out in the corridor from when he'd tried to escape.

He was cornered. There would be no getting away.

* * *

A/N-

I hope you all enjoyed this. Review and I'll make sure Sirius and James get their asses kicked at some point! XD


	8. Chapter 7: Something's Gotta Give

When the Strong Break

_Chapter Seven: _**Something's Gotta Give**

"Change will never happen while people lack the ability and courage to see themselves for who they are."

-Bryant H. McGill

* * *

Hands were on him in an instant, punching, slapping, pinching, and scratching. Trainers slammed into his stomach and sides, slammed down on his legs and flailing arms, one jarring a finger backwards, causing Severus to shriek in pain. His scream was cut off abruptly with a well-placed silencio, and then, to his horror, he felt his cloak and shirt being torn away as if by an invisible hand. NoNoNo….And then his pants were being cut away from his jerking hips by a spell he didn't hear and wasn't in the mood to decipher, and fuck, but Severus just couldn't breathe anymore. His chest was burning, body throbbing. His whole mouth had gone desert dry and even his tongue was choking him by now, making him wonder at the presence of a possible langlock, and then hands were on him again and his head was tossing furiously back and forth, desperate, while a part of him was very vaguely aware of the tears slipping down his face and the urine slipping down his leg, his terror making itself known to his laughing attackers. He hated himself so much…

As the Marauders began to back up, Potter raising his wand, Severus made a last attempt to lash out, adrenaline pumping through his veins, and managed to throw his fist into Potter's abdomen, making the other boy drop his wand.

Yes!

Severus lunged for the wand, but just as his fingers began to close around it, he was torn back by a furious looking Potter and a grim looking Black. Potter's fist slammed brutally into his nose and he released a silent whimper as his nose broke, the sharp crack resonating through the empty classroom. Severus collapsed to the floor, his hands flying up in a desperate attempt to staunch the bleeding, another broken, unheard yowl tearing from his bruised throat as the movement jarred his very much broken finger. Severus looked to Lupin desperately, hoping the werewolf's supposed sensitivity would win over for once, but Lupin simply backed up a bit and turned around, shifting his weight in discomfort and leaving Severus to the mercy of the merciless once again.

"Please," Severus mouthed into the stale air, unable to suppress the word any longer, even despite his inability to actually say it aloud.

Potter snorted derisively above him, while Black remained silent, almost impassive. Pettigrew was off slightly to the side, face twisted in bitter glee. Severus's jaw clenched around the word as it threatened to escape again.

Gathering the last shards of himself, Severus forced his gaze to meet first Potter's, then Black's.

"Cowards," he mouthed as deliberately as he could. He wished they could hear the taunt of the word, the sneer he folded like a beautiful piece of origami around it.

"Shut it, you filthy Snake," Potter scowled, his eyes rolling.

"Why?" Severus asked silently, rage and agony screaming from his ebony eyes.

Potter licked his lips, one hand jumping up to smooth out the top of his hair. Talk about a narcissistic prick…He knelt beside Snape's crumpled form and took his hand. Severus felt an inadvertent tremble slither through his limbs.

"This," Potter spoke deliberately, "is for what you did to Evans."

And Potter twisted his arm, quick as a flash, and slammed it down against the floor. Severus's head jerked back, a silent bellow escaping his lips as excruciating pain dripped white hot between every single metacarpal. His wrist was burning, his forearm searing, but it was his hand that had sustained the most damage, and Severus thought he actually saw the shiny white of bone poking out at his thumb's base. Black spots crowded his vision, which was rapidly tunneling.

"James," Black hissed from somewhere to his right. "Get a hold of yourself! This wasn't part of the plan!"

Severus heard Potter's scoff just barely over the buzzing in his ears. He felt as if he were going deaf, though a small, logical part of him recognized the sign that he was about to slip into unconsciousness. That was fine with him. If anything, Severus would welcome it.

Darkness spiraled in on Severus and he greeted it with open arms.

* * *

Sirius was going to be sick. He could actually see a bit of what looked like bone poking out of Snape's hand …this was too much. He should have never come….

Snape's eyes had finally fluttered closed, a twisted imitation of a smile contorting his thin lips. Sirius looked away, bile brushing his teeth.

To his left, James was panting slightly, dragging himself up.

"Sorry about that," James muttered after a moment. "I dunno what came over me, Siri. Reme," he paused, then: "Merlin. I didn't realize I'd slammed it so hard…"

"Just…let's just put him in the closet, okay?" Sirius asked weakly. "I really want to get out of here."

Remus turned around, caught sight of Snape's hand, and promptly threw up. Sirius wished he could join him.

James nodded, looking unsure for once, and gathered his wand off the floor, pointing it at Snape and throwing out a "mobilicorpus". Snape's body rose into the air and James began to direct it towards the supply room off to the side of the Defense classroom. Sirius went in front of him, opening the door. Snape tumbled to the floor with a jerk of James's wand once inside and Sirius couldn't help a wince.

"Sirius?" Remus's voice sounded behind them, hoarse with sick. "Can't you do a few healing spells? Like just on Snape's nose or something. If he looks too bad in the morning we'll all be in trouble."

"They can't pin this on us," James frowned, looking offended at the mere insinuation.

"I know…" Remus started slowly. "But just in case…I mean, he did only just get out of the infirmary. And he could tell them. Even if there's no real proof, there's a possibility we'll get a detention or two after what went down last week."

James looked put-off, but nodded his acquiescence, as did Sirius. He was actually glad. Healing Snape's nose would hopefully be enough to put the searing in his gut to rest.

Sirius turned back to the unconscious Slytherin and raised his wand, concentrating on the gentle sloping movement and direct intention behind the spell as he murmured an 'episkey'. Snape's nose seemed to almost crackle as it fixed itself, and the Slytherin's breathing relaxed minutely as one of his many injuries was alleviated, that particular pain melting away. Sirius sighed, casting a quick evanesco at the blood staining Snape's face and clothes, then an even quicker glamour to disguise the extent of Snape's bruising and other injuries. Blood continued to creep sluggishly from a few of his remaining, though fortunately just about invisible, wounds, but Sirius figured it was better than nothing.

"Alright. Good, let's go," James said, his voice almost businesslike, but for the giddy euphoria that colored his face with his words.

The boys left the supply closet, James shutting and locking the door behind them, and then adding a few wards on top of the lock for good measure, before they all retreated from the classroom as one and headed back to their dormitory.

* * *

Sirius couldn't sleep. He tossed. He turned. He buried his head in his pillow. He counted garden gnomes, and when that didn't work he counted his friends' snores, yet still, Sirius could not sleep.

He tried to tell himself that it had nothing to do with Snape, because Sirius was rapidly growing tired with how lately everything seemed to be about Snape, but apparently something nobody ever told you was that- denial? It was exhausting. And not in the good, Sirius _finally_ gets to fall aleep way, either. It was exhausting in a manner that hit bone deep and made his shoulders sink down, and made his thoughts grow sluggish, and made sweat cool on his palms, and while it did all that tired crap, it also managed to make his heart speed and his nerves fray and his blinks slow down, then speed up, then _slowdownspeed_ all over again. It's a miserable sensation, denial, because after a while, you just can't pretend you're not denying something and then you're just _thatmuchcloser_ to what exists, no matter how much you want it not to. You're just that much closer to the one thing your subconscious recognizes could change everything, every piece of who you are, and it's downright terrifying. Sirius doesn't want that, so Sirius denies and denies, while exhaustion becomes the marrow in his bones.

Sirius can't sleep, but Sirius is so _damn tired_...

He was fighting a losing battle and starting to know it.

Finally, after hours worth of tossing and turning and counting and mulling and wishing viciously that everything would just go away, Sirius groaned softly and found himself sliding from his bed, unable to resist the siren call of his conscience any longer. He padded over to James' trunk, grabbed his best friend's invisibility cloak, and went to wake up the Fat Lady one more time. She would be so pissed...

* * *

A/N-

Okay, this one's pretty short, but the next will be up pretty soon and it will be a lot longer. I just wanted to get a few chapters ahead. And, don't worry. Sirius is going to start stepping up a bit more soon. He just has to work through all that damn immaturity. Lol. On a final note, I now have this entire story basically planned out, or at least I know where I'm heading, and because of that, I want to warn you that this story will be quite dark. It will deal with lots of adult themes, and I am probably going to be bumping the rating up to M, as I don't want to do a disservice to the material or anything like that. I hope this doesn't lose me any readers, because I love every one of you, but I'm here to serve the story. FYI, I changed a bit about Pomfrey's monitoring spells. Now it basically will just inform her and Dumbledore if Severus tries to severely injure himself again. What I had before was simply too complicated, unfortunately. Lots of love! ~Ashley.

P.S. I hope you guys had a way better Valentines Day than I did. :) lol


	9. IMPORTANTE

Dear Readers,

This sucks for me and probably you, and may sound a bit stupid, seeing as I have a habit of taking forever to update anyway, but I feel incredibly bad this time. You see, I had the next two or three chapters just about ready and was making some final edits on the next one to come out. And then my computer decided to be a complete jerk and get messed up. I'm talking motherboard was fried, keyboard was ruined, AND my hard-drive was completely fried as well. Now, when my mom and I have the money we'll be taking it to a specialist to see if we can get my stuff extracted from it or whatever (as upset as I am about this, I lost anywhere from 50-100 pages of the novel I've been writing, a chapter of another novel, and several other works. There was probably a collective of 500 pages worth of work lost, if not more). I was already struggling to keep writing this story. I started this when I was 13 or 14 years old. I'm seventeen now, so it's been…a very long time. I know where this was going and if I ever manage to extract all the damn work I had already put into this, I will definitely update. However, until that date, I feel I must put this on hiatus. I'm already waist-deep in a whole different story-idea for Glee, and over my head with life-problems which is why I wasn't updating when I had the work (I was essentially forced into someone's car, so…kidnapped I suppose you could say. Luckily, I convinced the guy to take me home because I'm a master conversation-manipulator, but I have a fear that he may be stalking me now and, well, that's a bit of a priority). I'm so sorry. :/ I wish my life was a bit less of a soap opera, so that I could've had this story done ages ago, and not feel like a total jerk. Oh well. I may return; I may not. Either way, I love you all. You're fantastic for sticking with me and I apologize once again. On that note…

Some of the best Snape videos I've found to date as a goodbye-present?

(All of these are on youtube)

.com/watch?v=t7HI8zudo_Q

.com/watch?v=9FPAD5sEyQw

.com/watch?v=BbwZZCru3WI

.com/watch?v=FDtosrzSqjA

.com/watch?v=n6fEe0Vr9_o

.com/watch?v=h28AtWWbSu4

.com/watch?v=V6gXyZGOcxA

.com/watch?v=-8ngn_G70O8

.com/watch?v=0xOrLTJVYfc

.com/watch?v=j3Wb1DNfu14

.com/watch?v=ccShS-px5KQ&feature=related

.com/watch?v=RZslpnsBDAA&feature=related

.com/watch?v=TEce_f3Iwes

* * *

Lots of Love! And lots of apologies. :/

~LunalitSol~


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